I read a great post this morning on the topic of forgiveness at Welcome to my La-La Land. It made me think about the people in my own life that I can’t seem to find forgiveness for as well as my inability to forgive myself. I’ve heard of people who are able to forgive others for the most heinous crimes. Why is it that I can’t seem to find it in me to forgive a family member for wronging my family? It wasn’t like a heinous crime, but it felt like being stabbed in the chest.
In retrospect, the people that I have forgiven throughout my life have shown remorse. They have been truly sorry – not just saying it to move through the problem. They have also shown me they are sorry through their behavior. They change the way they act or at least show me that they are trying. However, with this particular family member, she does not see how she hurt those around her. She doesn’t accept responsibility. She doesn’t show remorse. So….how can I forgive that? How can I just pretend that she didn’t hurt us? Do I just sit at the Thanksgiving dinner table and make idle chit chat. I can’t...So, does that mean that I am an awful person? I think I’m a pretty good person and I want to surround myself with people that treat us well.
We only live once. One time to get it right. I don’t want to live my life second guessing this person and waiting for @%#^ to hit the fan again. It is inevitable that it will again. I can’t afford to have toxicity around me. Maybe in time, we will be on speaking terms with this family member. That will be a baby step. Then, in time, maybe there will be another baby step. But, really - who knows?
As far as forgiving myself, I think I will have to take one issue at a time. Even though I am young, I have many regrets. Regrets about things I have done and things I didn’t have the guts to do. I have tried to live my life honestly and be true to myself. I think that I will forgive myself in time. I need to keep in mind that I have always tried to make the right decisions and that I had the best intentions at heart. I guess that's the best I can do for now.